Waking the Mongolian Monster

Waking the Mongolian Monster

During the past week, I have had an overabundance of experiences and opportunities to learn new things. Most of these things I either didn't want to know, or still wish I didn't know. As a longstanding member of the "I never want kids" club, I feel like my life is coming dangerously close to that of a frazzled mother. As a courtesy, I will share the following tidbits on behalf of overwhelmed, paraplegic dog owners everywhere:

       1. Never wake a sleeping Pekingese. Ever.

Jeremy learned this the hard way. The first morning he tried to wake Chance up to take him outside, he was viciously attacked by the cantankerous, 12 pound beast. Although my first instinct should have been to reprimand Chance, I simply laughed. This scene played itself out again that evening when I tried to wake him up to come to bed--I was lucky to come away with all five fingers. We don't wake the Mongolian Monster anymore.

       2. Boy dogs can pee straight up in the air.

This is a phenomenon I have had the pleasure of experiencing every day. No matter how long we let Chance sit outside in the grass, upon re-entry of the house he sprays a shower of urine all over whoever is unlucky enough to be standing in his "splash zone." It's usually Jeremy.

       3. Just because a dog is paralyzed doesn't mean he isn't fast.

Actually, it can mean the opposite; Chance is freakishly fast. When we're at home, we like to leave the back door open since our yard is completely fenced and the dogs enjoy sunning themselves by the (kiddie) pool. We assumed Chance couldn't make it over the door stoop to let himself out...well, you know what they say about assuming. Jeremy turned his head and the next minute Chance had disappeared. His heart beat quickened as he imaged my reaction were I to come home to a missing dog--not pleased to say the least. But, lo! The runaway had simply wandered off into the vast backyard wilderness and taken refuge behind our hot tub. He's not as helpless as he looks.

       4. Not all diapers are created equally.

In fact, some do more harm than good. We try to limit our diaper use to bedtime in order to prevent bladder infections and other delights that come hand in hand with resting in your own filth. Despite the nightime diapering, somehow, he still manages to wake up covered in urine, lying smugly next to a clean diaper.  I'm considering doggie-suspenders. Anyone interested in a solid investment opportunity?

       5. Baby wipes are a girl's best friend.

I can't count the number of baby wipes I go through in a day. I use them to wipe Chance down when he pees on himself (the odd time when he isn't peeing on a human companion) and for spot cleaning the floor between moppings after he has dragged his mess behind him. I once heard that Brad Pitt uses baby wipes to "refresh" himself because he doesn't have time to shower...this is where I draw the line. For now.

       6. Dogs suffer from "middle child" syndrome.

And Cash has got it bad. Out of the two of them, I thought Roxy would be the problem child. After all, she rules the roost. But I was wrong. Cash has been the baby in the family for almost five years now, and he is not impressed that another dog has come along and stolen his thunder. At first, he would bark at Chance whenever we tried to lay them next to each other, or he would growl if Chance snacked from his bowl. This was not like Cash; he loves other dogs--just not other dogs that move into his house and try to snuggle with his mommy.

I have learned very quickly over this past week that these dogs of mine have the power to surprise me. Sunday morning I awoke to find Cash and Chance snuggling in Cash's bed--nothing short of a miracle. All of the frustrating circumstances I have found myself in on a daily basis pale in comparison to the welcome I get from those three goons when I walk through the front door. That is, until I step in a wet diaper. And no matter how much Chance continues to astound me, I still won't be waking the Mongolian Monster anytime soon. I need these fingers to type.

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