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Human Grade Dog Products

Diary of a Human-Grade Literalist

By: Brielle Morgan

Last Updated:

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Photographs by Allison Nitch

As a single-and-searching girl, I’m always looking for ways to, er, get hotter. Personal strategies to date have involved lots of ball sports, flat irons, and sporadic bursts of quasi-exercise on the living room floor (i.e., twenty random push-ups fueled by lots of grunting). Despite these efforts, I find myself sans that “special someone.” Where am I going wrong? Like many people in need of inspiration, I turn to my dog. When it comes to the ladies, Oliver is consistently confident in his approach and the chick-mutts seem to dig him. Observation leads me to believe that his shiny black, freshly-washed coat might have something to do with his success. Hmm. Human-grade dog products, you say? And, suddenly, I have a new tactic. If all these self-enhancing products can help Oliver to smell better, look better, score better…well, it’s worth a shot.

Day One

Inspired by one of my gorgeous-haired coworker and her personal endorsement of Fuzzyard’s Jojoba and Basil organic dog shampoo, I decided to work from the top down. Shea Pet’s Green Tea & Sea Kelp shampoo appealed to me for its organic ingredients and the company’s fair trade policies are a huge bonus. Post shampooing, my thick hair feels really light and smells date-ready. Am very pleased. I’ve even opted to pass on the flat iron as the Shea Butter conditioner worked really well. I’m frizz-free for a change. Next I dipped into Olly’s stash of 100% Natural For Pets Invisible Boot, which protects paws from salt, ice, heat, and cold. Ooh, I like this stuff. Makes my hands feel really soft. Later, I’m introduced by a friend to a potential suitor. We shake hands and I’m almost positive he held on for a few seconds (note his meaningful departure from the standard two-second handshake). Perhaps there’s something to this little project after all.

Day Two

Stepping out of the shower, I spritz on Sexy Beast’s unisex canine cologne. The name in itself instills a ridiculous and rather primal sort of self-confidence. Moving on, I apply a coat of Colour Paw’s Premium Pet Nail Polish in Tigerlily. Pretty! Though I do think Olly’s black fur sets it off better than my glaring white skin. A few hours later I’m cruising the produce section of the local farmer’s market. I spot a cute guy by the field tomatoes and summon the courage. He smells me coming—I can tell by the
way he glances in the mirror over his shoulder—and, well, he doesn’t scurry immediately over to the cucumbers so I’ll take that as a positive. I grab a tomato, hold it up to my face and spin it just so: a bold invitation for him to check out my nails should he dare. He dares. I bail. There’s always tomorrow.

Day Three

If ever there was a time for extremism, it’s now. Nodding encouragingly to myself, I fasten the pink wig from Wiggles Wigs for Dogs to my brunette ponytail. A little flair can’t hurt, right? A trip to the corner store teaches me that pink gets noticed. True, it’s tough to tell whether the looks ar incredulous or encouraging. Nonetheless, props go to Ruth Regina for creating a wig that’s equally hot on a Pomeranian or a Canadian.

Day Four

Today a much-awaited accessory arrived from Pup-pup Designs. I take to the streets sporting a red collar personalized with four letters (O-L-L-Y) and a vintage dog head button that I popped into the collar’s grommets. Instantly I’m getting second glances. On the bus, one 50-plus woman weighs in with “nice collar.” Her blunt yet seemingly sincere comment spawns a casual conversation and, while she’s nice and all, I can’t quite see us spending Sunday mornings in bed together. Still, I’m smart enough to realize these ladies have nephews. Potential yet. Later on, I ask my beautiful, wonderful, understanding best friend if she wouldn’t mind testing a product she’s better equipped for. “Yeah, sure,” she says. My next question: have you shaved lately? She cocks her (generous) eyebrow suspiciously and I pull out the Furminator. Regretfully I can’t say how this awesome tool fares when challenged with human hair removal but I do encourage you to be gentle when combing sensitive areas. The Furminator, when wielded as groomerstyle weaponry, is effective—and sharp.

Day Five

A date! Well, sort of. The cute guy from down the block finally asked me out for post-work drinks. Before leaving the office, I pop into the washroom to freshen up. I spray a little Healing Dog’s Sleeping Dog Spray, intended to create a calm, soothing space for your dog, and am happily overcome by a feeling of zen-like centeredness. Next, I rub a little bit of Sir Shadow’s delicious-smelling Organic Coconut Oil behind my ear. Some people use this product as a canine supplement or hotspot treatment; I wear it with an aim to sexy up any would-be hugging. The evening starts out wonderfully: lots of meaningful eye contact and he even compliments my still frizz-free hair. The would-be hug even became an actuality—and, yes, it was lovely. Nevertheless, the end of the night saw me hoofing it home on my own. Humph. I blame the wig.


Okay, so I’m still single. But five days ago I was minus one seriously extended handshake and my hair couldn’t flaunt fair-trade associations. There’s something to this canine-inspired makeover and I’m going to keep it up. Wish me luck!

Interested in hosting your own dog/human makeover party? The following websites are a great place to start sourcing human-grade goodies:;;;;;;;;

Can you say bow wow?


Last Updated:

By: Brielle Morgan
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