Dear Readers,
Dogs weave into our lives and, often, they serve as the brokers of
change. Here are three letters exploring different aspects of how dogs
play poignant, significant roles in romantic relationships.

Dear Dog Lady,
Help! My husband and I fight over our dog sleeping in our bed! My
husband agreed not to let our dog, Bugsy, sleep in our bed anymore
after we moved into our new home, and he’s kept his promise, somewhat.
I have walked into our bedroom and caught him breaking the rules. I
usually get angry and get Bugsy down and then we fight about it. I love
my dog but can’t stand sleeping in his hair!!! My husband and I fight
about this constantly. We are moving again and I will not have the dog
on our bed or, if I’m lucky, even in our bedroom period. He thinks I’m
cruel. Who’s right here? How can I get my sanity back?
—Aimee, Toronto, ON

Aimee, good gracious, it sounds as if you’re talking about the dread
“other woman” rather than the family pet. You’re going to resent Bugsy
more and more as your husband and you continue to fight about sleeping
arrangements for the dog. So cease and desist with a truce-inducing
heart-to-heart conversation.
Your peace offering will be to allow Bugsy a sleeping space in the
bedroom. C’mon, you can deal with this concession. To sweeten the deal,
throw in a new dog bed as part of the bargain. Say you’ll buy Bugsy a
bed all his own so there’s no possible excuse for your husband to
accuse you of cruelty. Once the dog becomes used to his luxe lounger,
he will want to go there all the time if there is consistent training
from both of you to direct Bugsy to his special sleeping pad. (Treats
scattered at bedtime will help a lot.)
In exchange, your husband must promise not to allow the dog to sleep on
your marital bed. You have to convince hubby—in a nice way—that your
sanity is being compromised so he clearly understands how important
this is for you. You can stress you dearly love the dog but your
devotion is severely compromised by the hair of the dog.

Dear Dog Lady,
I am in love. I always hoped for a day when I would find someone to
come home to; someone to love unconditionally and share my life with. I
finally found this someone, but it isn’t my boyfriend, Rick. Rather,
it’s his dog, Bella, a Boxer who has stolen my heart.
Here is the problem: My feelings for Rick have cooled. While I think he
is an OK guy, I don’t think he is the guy for me. Rick is boring, kind
of sedentary, and getting on my nerves with his nonstop chatter and
whining. To be honest, he is driving me crazy. Normally, I wouldn’t
have a problem ending the relationship yet I think about losing Bella
in the process and my heart breaks.
Bella has become my constant companion. Bella and I have our daily
routine of jogs around the neighborhood. We meet our friends at the dog
park. Every evening we have playtime in the backyard. After our daily
activities, Bella climbs onto the couch and puts her head in my lap to
go to sleep. (Rick doesn’t like her on the couch or drooling on his
lap.) Now there’s added wrinkle: Several months ago Rick mentioned it
would be nice to get Bella a little brother. At the time I was
enthusiastic. Last weekend, however, he put a deposit down on a puppy.
While the puppy is adorable, I am scared that I will become even more
attached (if that is possible) and it will be impossible to walk away
from Rick.
Furthermore, I am concerned that if and when I break up with Rick,
Bella and the puppy won’t get enough exercise and attention with only
Rick taking care of them.
What to do? Do I discourage Rick from getting the puppy? Do I break up
and negotiate for visitation with Bella? Do I wait it out and see if
Rick and I can get out of this rut? Do I try to get over my feelings
for Bella and just walk away? How do I do this?
— Elle, Austin, TX

Elle, your letter is remarkably expressive but your situation is
complicated and thorny. Dog Lady wishes you and Bella could make a
clean break together. However, Rick owns the dog—even as the dog owns
you.
Since you have one foot out the door, do not bring another puppy into
this household together. You’re getting ready to bail out and troubled
couples should deal with their own problems before they bring a new
baby into the world or dog into the house. It sounds as if your soul is
being sapped by this relationship. Dogs may be the glue to bring humans
together but staying in this liaison because of Bella would be to waste
your life. People can fritter away years while waiting for other people
to change. Don’t get caught in such a nasty trap. Step up bravely and
tell Rick you’re unhappy and want a trial separation. Try to confide
this in a caring way since you have an agenda: you want to end up as
friends because you want to be with Bella, your life partner. Once
you’ve had the human conversation, go for the dog talk. In very sweet
tones, remind him of all you do for Bella. Ask him if you can continue
to walk her, take her to the dog park and have a few overnights. Rick’s
heart doesn’t sound as if it rests in you or the dog. Lead him around
to agree that Bella might be happier with your continuing care. Propose
a generous visitation schedule allowing you to see Bella often. Even
offer to take custody of her for a couple of months.
Naturally you realize a “couple of months” will probably stretch out
much longer. Dog-indifferent people like Rick tend to forget about
canine comforts. Stress to him the sharing situation will keep you
connected as friends—even as you know full well the connection to Bella
is what you care about most of all.

Dear Dog Lady,
I am writing to you as a very stressed out person. My boyfriend Tim and
I have been together a little more than a year. I am 29, he is 41. Just
before he broke up with his ex, he bought a puppy with her. This
happened right before he started seeing me. Sam, the dog, is a purebred
Border Collie. For the first month of our relationship, Tim slept over
almost every night. His ex was still caring for Sam during this time.
When I began going to Tim’s house, Sam was there. The dog was cute,
but, truthfully, I didn’t notice much because I was so into the newness
of the relationship. Tim’s ex then took Sam for awhile. The dog was
gone for a month and, I have to say, it was probably the most intimate
month Tim and I had. He told me he loved me and he seemed fine without
Sam. Then, the ex called and asked Tim to take back the dog. Tim
briefly talked to me about it and I said “OK.” Actually, I was more
concerned with the ex and her manipulations than I was
about the dog. Sam came back and everything changed. He’s a working,
herding dog. Having him around is like having a four-year-old kid
constantly underfoot. I resent this situation more than I can say. I
want to have kids some day, not now. I am a responsible person. I also
like dogs although I’ve never had one on my own. Am I so wrong for
wanting to focus on us right now and not on a dog? Also, Tim is
extremely affectionate with Sam. Honestly, it makes me jealous, which I
know is so absurd. Tim is slow to change, slow to motivate, and this
dog is an excuse for his inertia with his career and with me. Sam takes
up tons of time and energy. Is it wrong for me not to want to devote
this to Sam right now? I think Sam is smart as hell and great but, all
things considered, I wish he were on a farm so he could herd sheep. Tim
knows the dog ties us down and is
a drain, but he believes he has a responsibility and there is no
turning back. I try with this dog but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to
break up wit Tim, but I am unhappy. I want to be firm when I talk to
him about this. Any help or advice would be wonderful.
—Amanda, Princeton, NJ

Amanda, Dog Lady loves dogs more than she can say but she understands
people come first. Your anger is with Tim, a man who probably jumped
into a relationship with you much too quickly after ditching his “ex.”
Honey, there, there. Please allow Dog Lady to hold your hand and
empathize because she’s been there: you’re the rebound girl. As such,
you enjoyed the burst of slam-dunk passion at the beginning and now you
suffer the slow dribble of consequences toward inevitable defeat. The
Border Collie, Sam, further herds you into a pen of distress.You’re
either going to continue to steam over Sam or you can get on with your
life. The dog is non-negotiable and anything you say against Sam will
be held against you. Whether Tim uses Sam to avoid you, he sure doesn’t
use you to avoid Sam. He enjoys the dog because Sam is guileless and
doesn’t demand deep emotional stuff. For Tim, flocks of sheep and a
farm in the country are a whole lot easier to provide to his dog than a
human commitment to you. Be firm, talk to him all you want, but prepare
for a loss.