Getting Over the Loss of a Dog
Why grieving a pet can be as hardโor harderโthan the loss of a human family member, and how to heal your heart
For Tanya Rowan, her Weimaraner Leonardo was more than her best friend—he was her protector.
As a service dog for Tanya, who has a neurological nerve disorder that can affect any part of her body at any time, Leonardo would alert her for oncoming migraines, fainting spells, and when her blood pressure would spike. He helped her with daily tasks such as bringing Tanya her medication, shoes, keys, purse, blood pressure monitor, and would help her up and down the stairs.
“Leonardo and I were extremely close; we were together 24/7,” says the New Hartford, NY resident, who owns Platinum Weimaraners. “He slept with me every night, he’d sit outside of the shower making sure I didn’t lose my balance and fall, and he was well known around town and loved by everyone that met him.”
When he passed away suddenly from unknown causes a year ago at the age of five, Tanya was so upset that she suffered a mini stroke.
“Losing my service dog Leonardo was by far the hardest thing ever,” says Tanya. “I felt like I lost a part of me.”
Even a year later, Tanya says she still feels lost, even though she happened to have acquired a Weimaraner puppy two weeks before Leonardo passed away.
Tanya isn’t alone. People are seeing their dogs as much more than pets and companions. Many consider them to be children, and soulmates.
“Research does support the idea that more and more, people of many different cultures see their pets as having an important place in the family,” says Monica Weiss-Sharp, hospital administrator for Animalia Health and Wellness in Franklin, TN. The veterinary medical technician and a licensed Master social worker in the state of Tennessee continues, “this sense of importance and closeness certainly contributes to the sense of loss and grief when a pet dies.”
According to Monica, grief is a totally normal and natural response to the loss of someone or something. “The feelings and behaviours that ensue can be very complex as the person works to process the meaning and impact of the loss,” she says. “In the case of grieving a pet, people can experience feelings that are just as intense as those associated with any other loss, though that may not be the case for everyone. It can also be what is called a form of ‘disenfranchised grief,’ because some people may tend to minimize the other person's experience in a way that they likely wouldn't if a human friend or relative passed away. In other words, no one is likely to say, ‘why are you so sad, he was just your brother,’ but some might say, ‘why are you so sad, she was just your cat.’ This can make it much harder for folks to get the support they need and deserve while they make their way through their grief journey.”
“All of your feelings are valid and deserving of recognition. It doesn’t matter that you are grieving the loss of pets instead of humans. They were your family just the same and that loss is no less significant or painful.”
With this in mind, Animalia’s staff does its best to offer support to clients whose pets pass away, says Monica. “This can include supporting them as they make the decision about euthanasia, reminiscing about the pet’s life, reassuring them that they are wonderful pet parents, and providing them with resources if they would like to get more formalized support as they grieve.”
This formalized support, which includes pet grief psychologists, counsellors or therapists, has become a more sought-out service across North America.
As a result, the demand for these services has definitely increased, says Monica. “Certainly, the changing role of pets in people's lives is a major reason for this,” she says. “I also think there is more understanding that it is completely reasonable and helpful to seek out support for any kind of grief, and that trend has opened the door for people to reach out for this kind of support following the loss of a pet. While the body of research is still growing, we are also starting to have more formalized understandings of the impact that pet loss can have, and I think that also offers a level of legitimacy that wasn't available many years ago.”
Misty Fields, who lost three dogs to various health-related issues over a 10-month span, was one such person who sought grief counselling.
“It was, by far, the hardest thing I have ever dealt with,” says Misty of the deaths of Maggie, a Jack Russell Terrier; Pippin, a Rat Terrier; and Zeta, a Jack Russell Terrier/Rat Terrier mix which occurred between May 2017 and March 2019. The fact that she is a licensed veterinary medical technician, who deals with loss on a weekly basis, didn’t help. “Nothing prepares you for losing your own pets,” she says.
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Dealing With Grief
Monica’s advice for owners who have suffered the loss of a pet
- Reach out to people who love you and loved your pet.
- Find a way that feels good to you to memorialize and honour your pet.
- Give yourself permission to feel the full range of emotions that grief can bring and know that is totally normal.
- Ask for help if you need it! You deserve any and all support that will help you following the loss of a pet.
- The University of Tennessee's Veterinary Social Work program has a list of resources for pet owners following the death of a pet that can be found at: vetsocialwork.utk.edu/resources_for_animal_owners/
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Misty found herself in tears either on her drive to or from work, in the work bathroom, or at home, where sad songs, commercials and movies all triggered her.
“I slept a lot,” says the Nolensville, TN resident. “My husband even noticed that I was severely depressed. I had no desire to get out for any type of social interaction. I literally went to work and came home to crash on the couch. The only time I left the house was when I had to in order to get groceries, run necessary errands, etc. My husband would try his best to help and make me feel better. He was so supportive, but nothing could seem to alleviate my grief. I missed them so much.”
Her surviving dogs, sensing her distress, would stay close by in an effort to console her. She had lost her paternal grandparents, who raised her, in 2012 and 2017. “While those losses were devastating, I found my grief over my dogs to be even more severe,” she says. “I felt like I had lost children. I have been criticized by many moms of humans for making that statement, but that is honestly how I felt. I do not have human children by choice. I prefer dogs, and to me, my dogs are my family.”
Pet loss depends on the individual, but can be debilitating, says Joelle Nielsen, social worker and program coordinator of the Honoring the Bond Program at The Ohio State University Veterinary Medical Center. “The level of grief experienced by the loss of a pet will vary, based on many factors, just as it would when losing a human family member or friend. It could definitely be as difficult, or even more so, than the loss of a human.
This is valid, as grief is grief, says Monica. “It is very tricky to quantify grief. It is a very personal experience, and it can be harmful to get into comparing grief across people and/or circumstances.”
Misty finally attended grief counselling at the beginning of 2020. “I was tired of being depressed, getting no sleep, and just being fatigued and exhausted with no hope in sight,” Misty says. “I had my initial evaluation with a psychiatrist the first Monday in January. Then, I was matched up with a therapist best suited to my need. I met with her once weekly for six months… As each session progressed, I was able to voice my feelings to an unbiased party, and in turn, she taught me many coping mechanisms for processing my various feelings. The single most important thing she ever said to me was, ‘All of your feelings are valid and deserving of recognition. It doesn’t matter that you are grieving the loss of pets instead of humans. They were your family just the same and that loss is no less significant or painful. Don’t listen to anyone who tried to tell you differently.’ She listened to me grieve, cry, and did so without judgment.”
Illustration by Michelle Simpson
Misty also began practicing yoga and meditation, learned to recognize the stages of grief, and joined a Facebook grief support group, where she has met others who have dealt with the same type of loss.
Michele Martinez took a different path. She did not attend counselling after the death of her Chow Chow/Pit Bull cross, Maximus Aurelius. Instead, she says: “I tried to just give myself permission to feel how I felt and mourn his loss. I did lean on my immediate family and friends for support because they understood our bond. I was very surprised at the people around me who were more concerned with wanting to control my grief and suggested I get over it because it was just a dog. It was eye opening as to who was truly supportive.”
To Michele, Maximus was more than a dog. She refers to him as “my soul dog” or “my son… I actually had a very vivid dream years after he passed where his soul came to visit me as a reflection on a door and after I saw him, his soul became the soul of a young boy,” says the Hayward, CA resident. “I cried tears of happiness to see him and of love for him… Maximus has left a hole in my heart that will always be open.”
The journey of grieving looks different for so many people, and you can argue that it never actually stops, Monica says. She refers to it as waves of grief. “Over time, those waves tend to get less intense and less frequent,” she says, “but every so often, you might go somewhere or see something that prompts some strong feelings of missing the pet, even if it has been many years since they died. That is totally normal.”
There are signs that a bereaved pet owner is more likely to experience a complicated, extended or intense grief, says Joelle. If, as in the case of Tanya, the deceased animal was young and had been a significant source of support for the owner, or died a traumatic death (especially if witnessed by the owner), lived alone with the owner, or if the owner spent significant financial resources to try and save their pet or a great deal of time tending to the medical needs of the pet, the grief is likely to be particularly heavy.
Eric Senatori of Kingsford, MI is one such owner. His Cairn Terrier/Cocker Spaniel mix, Sable, had diabetes, and caring for her was part of his daily routine. After her death, he was unable to get rid of any of her medical equipment, and still has it five years later, even though he has adopted a new dog, Squirt.
Sable’s death hit Eric hard. He missed work after her death. “At first, I couldn't concentrate very well as the daily routine changed so much,” says Eric, who wears Sable’s cremated remains around his neck.
Losing one dog is hard, but Renee Engelbach lost five of her six dogs—her constant companions—in the last six years.
“Even now, I can’t stop crying,” says the Columbus, OH resident. “Each time one of them left, things felt different. I lost plenty of sleep and I cried for weeks. Sometimes a memory strikes and I cry again. Losing a pet is like losing a family member. Sometimes it feels worse than that.” Renee has advice for those who have suffered the loss of a dog. “You have to grieve and realize there is no timeline for grief,” she says. “I would say if one finds themselves unable to face the day at all six months later, it may be wise to seek professional advice.”
Joelle agrees. “That’s one of the hardest things…the uncertainty of how long the process will take. “Often, owners ask me, ‘when will I stop feeling this bad?’ Ideally, the person feels better, day by day. There will probably be back steps, but if there is movement toward the positive, that is the process. It is when a person feels ‘stuck’ and can’t seem to ever start to feel better that I become more concerned.”
Monica says the key is finding ways that work for each person to safely express their feelings, get support when they need it, and adjust to life after the loss.
“In other words, being able to simultaneously remember their beloved pet, feel their feelings, and be able to reinvest in their life in order to move forward,” Monica says. “There is no one ‘right’ way to do this, but many people are helped by going through rituals and leaning on their support systems. If you think about how there is usually something like a memorial service or celebration of life when a person dies, that is an example of the kind of ritual that can really help people take the first important steps in processing their grief.” Monica suggests getting together with a couple of friends to tell stories about your dog, making a donation in your dog’s honour, planting some flowers or a tree to memorialize your dog, spreading their ashes in a place that they loved—as Eric plans to do with some of Sable’s ashes—or any other way that feels right to acknowledge how important your dog was.
“If someone is having a hard time or feels ‘stuck’ in their grief, that is when reaching out to a support group or therapist can make a tremendous difference,” Monica says. “Sometimes we need a little help, and it is a brave thing to ask for it when we need it.”
Although the pain is real, life does go on.
“Realizing they were happy helps me get through the loss,” Renee says. “The other thing I can say that helps is I spent as much time with them as possible, and did my very best to give them a good life.”
Misty, too, is now looking forward instead of back. “I have come a long way,” she says. “I am no longer crying on a daily basis. I am sleeping better. I am able to enjoy social outings again. And while I still shed a tear and miss my pets terribly from time to time, my grief is minimal and manageable now. Fond memories are more prevalent than sad moments.”
As for Tanya, she has been task training Monet since Leonardo’s death. She’s happy to report that Monet is coming along nicely. “I know it will take a while but I am grateful to have her. No dog will ever replace Leonardo and I will always have a piece of my heart missing,” she says. “But Monet is turning out to be a remarkable puppy and is doing a great job taking care of me.”
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