Ask Dog Lady

Bothered and Bewildered? If your Doggie Dilemma has you down in the dumps...

Dear Readers,
Dogs weave into our lives and, often, they serve as the brokers of change. Here are three letters exploring different aspects of how dogs play poignant, significant roles in romantic relationships.

Dear Dog Lady,
Help! My husband and I fight over our dog sleeping in our bed! My husband agreed not to let our dog, Bugsy, sleep in our bed anymore after we moved into our new home, and he’s kept his promise, somewhat. I have walked into our bedroom and caught him breaking the rules. I usually get angry and get Bugsy down and then we fight about it. I love my dog but can’t stand sleeping in his hair!!! My husband and I fight about this constantly. We are moving again and I will not have the dog on our bed or, if I’m lucky, even in our bedroom period. He thinks I’m cruel. Who’s right here? How can I get my sanity back?
—Aimee, Toronto, ON

Aimee, good gracious, it sounds as if you’re talking about the dread “other woman” rather than the family pet. You’re going to resent Bugsy more and more as your husband and you continue to fight about sleeping arrangements for the dog. So cease and desist with a truce-inducing heart-to-heart conversation.
Your peace offering will be to allow Bugsy a sleeping space in the bedroom. C’mon, you can deal with this concession. To sweeten the deal, throw in a new dog bed as part of the bargain. Say you’ll buy Bugsy a bed all his own so there’s no possible excuse for your husband to accuse you of cruelty. Once the dog becomes used to his luxe lounger, he will want to go there all the time if there is consistent training from both of you to direct Bugsy to his special sleeping pad. (Treats scattered at bedtime will help a lot.)
In exchange, your husband must promise not to allow the dog to sleep on your marital bed. You have to convince hubby—in a nice way—that your sanity is being compromised so he clearly understands how important this is for you. You can stress you dearly love the dog but your devotion is severely compromised by the hair of the dog.

Dear Dog Lady,
I am in love. I always hoped for a day when I would find someone to come home to; someone to love unconditionally and share my life with. I finally found this someone, but it isn’t my boyfriend, Rick. Rather, it’s his dog, Bella, a Boxer who has stolen my heart.
Here is the problem: My feelings for Rick have cooled. While I think he is an OK guy, I don’t think he is the guy for me. Rick is boring, kind of sedentary, and getting on my nerves with his nonstop chatter and whining. To be honest, he is driving me crazy. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem ending the relationship yet I think about losing Bella in the process and my heart breaks.
Bella has become my constant companion. Bella and I have our daily routine of jogs around the neighborhood. We meet our friends at the dog park. Every evening we have playtime in the backyard. After our daily activities, Bella climbs onto the couch and puts her head in my lap to go to sleep. (Rick doesn’t like her on the couch or drooling on his lap.) Now there’s added wrinkle: Several months ago Rick mentioned it would be nice to get Bella a little brother. At the time I was enthusiastic. Last weekend, however, he put a deposit down on a puppy. While the puppy is adorable, I am scared that I will become even more attached (if that is possible) and it will be impossible to walk away from Rick.
Furthermore, I am concerned that if and when I break up with Rick, Bella and the puppy won’t get enough exercise and attention with only Rick taking care of them.
What to do? Do I discourage Rick from getting the puppy? Do I break up and negotiate for visitation with Bella? Do I wait it out and see if Rick and I can get out of this rut? Do I try to get over my feelings for Bella and just walk away? How do I do this?
— Elle, Austin, TX

Elle, your letter is remarkably expressive but your situation is complicated and thorny. Dog Lady wishes you and Bella could make a clean break together. However, Rick owns the dog—even as the dog owns you.
Since you have one foot out the door, do not bring another puppy into this household together. You’re getting ready to bail out and troubled couples should deal with their own problems before they bring a new baby into the world or dog into the house. It sounds as if your soul is being sapped by this relationship. Dogs may be the glue to bring humans together but staying in this liaison because of Bella would be to waste your life. People can fritter away years while waiting for other people to change. Don’t get caught in such a nasty trap. Step up bravely and tell Rick you’re unhappy and want a trial separation. Try to confide this in a caring way since you have an agenda: you want to end up as friends because you want to be with Bella, your life partner. Once you’ve had the human conversation, go for the dog talk. In very sweet tones, remind him of all you do for Bella. Ask him if you can continue to walk her, take her to the dog park and have a few overnights. Rick’s heart doesn’t sound as if it rests in you or the dog. Lead him around to agree that Bella might be happier with your continuing care. Propose a generous visitation schedule allowing you to see Bella often. Even offer to take custody of her for a couple of months.
Naturally you realize a “couple of months” will probably stretch out much longer. Dog-indifferent people like Rick tend to forget about canine comforts. Stress to him the sharing situation will keep you connected as friends—even as you know full well the connection to Bella is what you care about most of all.

Dear Dog Lady,
I am writing to you as a very stressed out person. My boyfriend Tim and I have been together a little more than a year. I am 29, he is 41. Just before he broke up with his ex, he bought a puppy with her. This happened right before he started seeing me. Sam, the dog, is a purebred Border Collie. For the first month of our relationship, Tim slept over almost every night. His ex was still caring for Sam during this time. When I began going to Tim’s house, Sam was there. The dog was cute, but, truthfully, I didn’t notice much because I was so into the newness of the relationship. Tim’s ex then took Sam for awhile. The dog was gone for a month and, I have to say, it was probably the most intimate month Tim and I had. He told me he loved me and he seemed fine without Sam. Then, the ex called and asked Tim to take back the dog. Tim briefly talked to me about it and I said “OK.” Actually, I was more concerned with the ex and her manipulations than I was
about the dog. Sam came back and everything changed. He’s a working, herding dog. Having him around is like having a four-year-old kid constantly underfoot. I resent this situation more than I can say. I want to have kids some day, not now. I am a responsible person. I also like dogs although I’ve never had one on my own. Am I so wrong for wanting to focus on us right now and not on a dog? Also, Tim is extremely affectionate with Sam. Honestly, it makes me jealous, which I know is so absurd. Tim is slow to change, slow to motivate, and this dog is an excuse for his inertia with his career and with me. Sam takes up tons of time and energy. Is it wrong for me not to want to devote this to Sam right now? I think Sam is smart as hell and great but, all things considered, I wish he were on a farm so he could herd sheep. Tim knows the dog ties us down and is
a drain, but he believes he has a responsibility and there is no turning back. I try with this dog but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to break up wit Tim, but I am unhappy. I want to be firm when I talk to him about this. Any help or advice would be wonderful.
—Amanda, Princeton, NJ

Amanda, Dog Lady loves dogs more than she can say but she understands people come first. Your anger is with Tim, a man who probably jumped into a relationship with you much too quickly after ditching his “ex.” Honey, there, there. Please allow Dog Lady to hold your hand and empathize because she’s been there: you’re the rebound girl. As such, you enjoyed the burst of slam-dunk passion at the beginning and now you suffer the slow dribble of consequences toward inevitable defeat. The Border Collie, Sam, further herds you into a pen of distress.You’re either going to continue to steam over Sam or you can get on with your life. The dog is non-negotiable and anything you say against Sam will be held against you. Whether Tim uses Sam to avoid you, he sure doesn’t use you to avoid Sam. He enjoys the dog because Sam is guileless and doesn’t demand deep emotional stuff. For Tim, flocks of sheep and a farm in the country are a whole lot easier to provide to his dog than a human commitment to you. Be firm, talk to him all you want, but prepare for a loss.